January is the month many turn to celebrity self-help gurus to improve their lives in the hope of making this year better than the last. With the National League kicking off on Saturday night, here’s a look at which famous faces could help Division 1 teams to solve their problems.
Tyrone: Francis Brennan
Despite remaining consistently competitive since their golden decade, Tyrone have become the team everybody loves to hate for being, well, too Ulstery. A visit from hotelier and television personality Brennan may open Mickey Harte’s eyes to more modern methods and allow the younger stars to express themselves. A lick of paint here, a refurbished front room there, it may not take too much to turn this combative caterpillar into a butterfly.
A visit from Brennan could be just the ticket for Harte and Tyrone
Mayo: Marie Kondo
The Japanese tidying sensation has made a name for herself by teaching grownups what grownups have been teaching children to do for time immemorial: picking up after themselves. Her talents would be welcome in Castlebar, where spring cleaning is required. James Horan has trawled the county for new talent and will need to show some faith in fresh blood if this season is going to end differently to the previous sixty-eight. Kondo promotes thanking old garments before binning, so at least those for the chop would get a goodie bag and a signed cap on the way out.
Cavan: Bear Grylls
Suggesting that survival is the primary objective for Cavan may seem a tad dismissive but it would be a good foundation for what could be a promising summer. If new manager Mickey Graham is understandably a little distracted by his club odyssey with Mullinalaghta, survival expert Grylls would be the perfect man to guide this team through the early rounds — especially Dublin at home — where the former army man is crazy enough to convince the Cavan boys that they can come out alive.
Roscommon: Kevin McStay as Undercover Boss
In recent years, Roscommon have been unreadable. McStay — the man they hate to love — put together a competitive league team before retiring. Staying in the top division would be a solid start under new manager Anthony Cunningham. Having the Mayo man work incognito on the backroom team would be great TV and a magical teaching moment for all concerned when the season finale Big Reveal happens.
Galway: Gary Vee
“With great expectation comes great responsibility, and if Galway wish to be treated like adults, it’s time for them to move the f**k out of their parent’s house and fulfill their potential”, that at least would be the message of Instagram self-help mogul Gary Vee, who’s plain speaking approach to life may push this Galway squad from being nice to watch to horrible to play.
Monaghan: Russell Brand
When you hear yourself uttering phrases such as “Jeez, Monaghan really lit it up last year”, you know it was a strange season, but to their credit the Farney county were the story of an otherwise predictable summer. Nobody likes playing them, but they tend to overthink their way out of big moments. Brand, the actor and comedian, has recently completed a U-turn from wild-card playboy to spiritual guru. If they find themselves in knockout football again this spring, a more Zen approach and a loftier sense of self-worth may see them prosper.
Kerry: Who Do You Think You Are?
Not so much self-help as a voyage of discovery with the TV series so this young Kerry team understand who they are and where they came from. The past can be a dangerous thing, but for Kerry it may be the key to unlocking the potential of a young, ambitious group. They may have dominated at underage, but David Clifford et al have witnessed only one All-Ireland in a decade, which is a famine in Kerry terms. Manager Peter Keane may squirm at the intervention of the cameras and the DNA testing, but it may just be time to look back to move forward.
Dublin: Dermot Bannon
The Dubs do not qualify for any help under this imaginary scheme, so instead get architect Dermot Bannon, who may be the only man who could derail the five-in-a-row. On his day, the Malahide man has a brilliant eye for getting the best use out of space. He also has an incredible knack for driving the most mild-mannered school teacher from Donabate bonkers. He is the only person capable of convincing Jim Gavin that Jack McCaffrey would be better dropped from the squad and replaced by a bespoke marble kitchen island from St Jude’s. When it finally all goes south, he would then convince Gavin that it was Jim’s own decision, not his.
Colin Sheridan 